A shoulder to cry on

Dr. Miriam Shapira, a clinical psychologist who resides in Karnei Shomron, has for years known what it's like -- the pain, the anxiety, the fear. She was at the side of the bereaved families of the victims of many terrorist attacks. She was there to lend support to grieving communities. She stood by those whose loved ones were either kidnapped or nearly kidnapped, helping them cope.

During the horrible years in which terror atrocities were commonplace, it was Shapira and others who trained teams of welfare and psychological workers who were the first to comfort the families of the victims. She was one of the first to speak to the family of Hillel Lieberman, who disappeared after he set out by foot to Joseph's Tomb on a Saturday, in an incident considered one of the catalysts for the Second Intifada.

As worshippers in Elon Moreh were reciting the Kol Nidre prayer for Yom Kippur, it was learned that Lieberman's bullet-riddled body was discovered in a cave near Nablus. It was also learned that Rabbi Binyamin Herling was killed near Mount Ebal. Gilad Zar, a security officer in the Samaria regional council, was also murdered.

Shapira's field of expertise is in coping with stressful situation, trauma, and loss. For 14 years, she was the director of the Center for Emergency Preparation in the Samaria regional council. She oversaw the teams of staff members who were the first ones to console the families of the youngsters murdered in the Hitzim yeshiva.

These were particularly difficult years. It was during this time that the four members of the Fogel family in Itamar were killed. There was the killing of the Gabish family in Elon Moreh. In Hermesh, terrorists infiltrated the community and killed three women. It was also during this time that Palestinian gunmen would fire on Jewish-owned cars as they were driving down the highway leading to Homesh.

Terrorists also struck the towns of Ganim and Kedim. It was near there that 18-year-old Eliyahu Asheri, a young man from the settlement of Itamar who was studying at the pre-military academy in Neveh Tzuf, was abducted. Asheri, who had left the French Hill section of Jerusalem and set out for Ofra, was kidnapped and killed an hour after the abduction.

His killers, Fatah members, concealed Asheri's body in the Tira section of Ramallah with the intention of negotiating a swap of dead bodies held by Israel. The abductors were compensated financially for the murder by the Gaza-based Popular Resistance Committees, an organization affiliated with Hamas. For four long days, the Asheri family was torn apart by uncertainty, vacillating between hope and despair. Then, finally, they received the awful news.

Then, as now, Israel arrested Hamas operatives. Then, as now, there was also renewed debate about the wisdom of hitchhiking. Then, as now, there were promises made to increase public transportation in the area. Then, as now, there was talk about the divisions between "the State of Tel Aviv" and the state of the settlers.

This past week, Shapira laid out three possible scenarios that provide a glimpse into how the latest kidnapping crisis -- "any kidnapping," she said -- could end. There's the best-case scenario, in which the missing person is found. There's the bad scenario, in which the missing person is found dead. And there's the third scenario, "the most difficult one psychologically, a scenario of continued uncertainty."

"This is a case that requires a great deal of fortitude," she said. "This is where the intervention groups and professional groups enter the picture, and they try to help the families summon strength and resources. This is done on a personal level as well as on the community and public level."

Is this what is happening now with the families of the three kidnapped teenagers-

"What we are seeing now is that the situation is being handled in the best way possible, not only by the families, but also by the responsible agencies. There has been a big embrace by all of the state agencies. This wasn't always the case. In the aftermath of one kidnapping, which I won't cite in deference to ethical considerations, there wasn't such an embrace, not by the state's dignitaries or the politicians. Even 'the embrace' from the army was a partial one.

"So what you are seeing now should not be taken for granted at all. You need to understand that this 'hug' is very vital. It gives the families a very good feeling, a feeling that we are there for them, that we are present, that there are those who are standing by their side, that they are not abandoned."

What else do the families of the abducted need-

"Aside from the procession of 'celebs' that we are seeing all the time, which also contributes, it's important that the professionals be there and continue to update them constantly. It's important to update them, even when there is nothing new to update, because this, too, is a form of updating, telling the families that there's nothing new.

"This gives the family a strong sense of faith and belief that we are there for them. It reinforces their knowledge that the minute there is something new, we will know immediately. This approach gives the families a bit of relief, which counters the deep sense of helplessness which it feels right now."

Are the families told the entire truth or is it better to hide certain things that could cause them to be more pessimistic or weaken their faith-

"It's complicated. The updates are also impacted somewhat by the news media, to which the families are exposed. In my professional opinion, I believe it is best to give the families the entire truth just so that we leave room for all options. Sometimes, however, there are considerations that are not psychological, when certain bits of information must remain secret, even to parents, especially if that information could harm the efforts to track down the abducted youths if it is leaked."

Giving the families strength

Shapira, one of the founders of the Karnei Shomron settlement, is a mother of six. For over 30 years, she has immersed herself deeply in the community. She is the one people turn to during times of trauma, which is the unfortunate reality for families living under these trying circumstances.

"There's a huge difference between a person's ability to cope with a disastrous event or trauma when that person doesn't live in a communal environment, and a person's ability to cope at a time when the community gives him a supporting embrace," she said.

"These are some of the most basic things -- taking the girl to kindergarten, checking with the mother if it is okay if the young son is invited to another boy's house in the afternoon, doing the shopping, going to the children's end-of-the-school-year party. All of this needs to be combined with a sense of routine and continuity, particularly for the children, but also for the parents. It's the strength of the community that is felt by the family."

Doesn't a community at times become somewhat suffocating-

"Initially, it usually isn't. In our communities, there is a great deal of willingness to accept help. The challenge is for the professionals to not be out front, but to engage those who are closest and most familiar -- the boy's teacher, the teen's camp counselor, the social worker, the community worker, the school principal.

"In addition, there are also the human resources. What is it that gives the family members 'air to breathe'? We help each and every one of them summon strength and resources that they may not believe exist. It's not just a question of belief, which is very relevant today. There are very personal outlets like writing, music, yoga, meditation, walking, running.

"Everybody knows what it is that they like to do when their routine is interrupted. It's very important to allow the body to heal, to release the awful tension that is accumulating. Everybody does it in their own way: hiking in nature, breathing, whatever helps them personally as well as within the family framework."

How long after such a trauma does the community remain with the family? How long is the community able to stretch out this collective effort-

"This is really a challenge. Initially, everyone helps out, but as time goes by and the event becomes something that is more prolonged, then there is a petering out. Our job as professionals is to organize and sustain the support at one level or another, including if it's in the longer term. It's very important to continue to give them a sense that they are not alone.

"Family members experience a very tough ordeal, one of uncertainty. They may even say to themselves, 'Maybe I've gone crazy,' 'Maybe I've lost my sanity,' 'Maybe I won't ever become the person I once was.' These kinds of statements are normal for people in a situation that is abnormal. So the community's presence and that of the professional aid workers who are there in the background is very helpful."

Wouldn't it be preferable for the family to 'live' the event and set aside any attempts to return to a routine-

"It's very individual. Each one has their own preference. When there is work to do, when there is a struggle to wage, obviously it would be better for the family to be in the middle of it, 'to live it,' but when there isn't much to do, it's better to return to a routine.

"In any event, whether you are in the middle of a series of meetings with politicians or the press, who do not stop coming to your house, or whether you have returned to a routine, our recommendation is to set aside time in which all members of the family meet together, and, most importantly, not to create a reality that revolves solely around the kidnapped loved one and the struggle to bring them back, or around the return to a routine. As professionals, we recommend a combination of the two. The goal is to be able to live while all this is happening, rather than just survive as it is happening. It's not simple at all."

Does it help matters when families decide to spearhead the campaign to bring back their loved ones, essentially becoming a part of the national event-

"I remember one case in which the family conducted itself in the opposite manner, preferring to keep their trauma private and to treat the kidnapping as something private. It was only in the later stages that the 'national' element came into play. I don't know what is right and what is recommended. It's all a question of the character and nature of each individual family. There are families that have absolutely no wish to see their event as something national. When a family does take the kidnapping to that direction, it also strengthens them on a personal level, but only up to a point. At a certain point, you need to find a balance."

More than just a prayer

Along with Adi Tov, Shapira today runs the Mahut Foundation, which works to reinforce communal fortitude throughout the country and build emergency teams assigned to help in situations of trauma. She is watching the events unfold "from the sidelines," but she is not totally removed, as she is intimately familiar with the people involved and how they operate. Like many other Israelis, she is astounded at the nationwide prayer vigil that continues to expand across sectarian lines. Nonetheless, she offers a caveat.

"Prayers are excellent," she said. "It has tremendous value for those who are believers, but we need to be careful not to make it the only avenue of expression. There's a certain risk involved here. We remember what happened after the abduction of Nachshon Waxman, which didn't end well. There were young boys and girls as well as older people who had a very difficult time praying after that. People weren't prepared to accept the fact that not all prayers are answered. In time, most returned to prayer, and a small number did not."

So your recommendation is that people use a number of different ways to cope-

"There's a very fine line between sanctification of the name of God, or putting all the eggs in the prayer basket, and developing other methods that are more dependent on ourselves, like the togetherness of the family, talking about our feelings, hiking, breathing, and personal activities. I'm very much in favor of prayer, but not just prayer on its own.

"I was there with people from Gush Katif during their struggle and their times of distress. There was prayer at that time as well, mass prayer that was nonstop. We all remember these prayers. There's no doubt that the prayers helped the people at their time of crisis, but the disappointment over the fact that the prayers weren't answered was quite bitter. The key is mental fortitude. The key to mental fortitude is developing other methods of coping besides prayer."

What you are saying is that coping needs to also take into account the worst-case scenario imaginable.

"That is exact what Rachel Frenkel [the mother of Naftali Frenkel, one of the kidnapped teens] told children at the Western Wall, that 'the Lord doesn't work for us.' As long as there is no new information, belief and hope are what lead us and guide us, but we must also reserve a tiny spot in our hearts for the eventuality that there won't be a happy ending here."

Shapira notices the complete faith and confidence that the families are showing in the state, the military, and the government, but she also recalls families of abducted Israelis who conducted themselves differently, like the parents of Gilad Schalit.

"Strategically, it is the more proper thing to have confidence," she said. "It boosts those agencies that are providing assistance. When you put your faith in the agencies that are assisting in the effort, then the agencies give more of themselves. It's a simple logic of give and take.

"Beyond the first circle of those who are most affected by the kidnapping -- the family, the people intervening, the psychologists and welfare workers -- we also take care of those who are more indirectly affected, like relatives, neighbors, extended family, and friends.

"They feel similar sensations that the families do, just not as strongly. They are also in pain. They are also overwhelmed with emotion. One can also notice deep, cutting pain and anger. These are normal reactions for these types of situation, and they are seen in those who are indirectly affected."

'Not everything is in our hands'

With all due respect to those indirectly affected, when all is said and done, it is the families that must cope with the heaviest burden. Rachel Frenkel, whose family lives in Nof Ayalon, described the ordeal that she is experiencing.

"It takes effort for us to eat and to sleep," she said. "We are trying to maintain our sanity."

Yehuda Waxman, the father of soldier Nachshon Waxman, who was kidnapped and murdered by Hamas operatives during a failed rescue attempt by the IDF in the village of Bir Nabala in 1994, knows full well just what she is talking about.

"I've been there," he told us this week during a visit to the Western Wall. "I can tell you that from an emotional standpoint, this is an impossible situation. Parents are put in a helpless situation where they don't know much. It's indescribable. They need a lot of support, and the little that the public can do for them is to demonstrate unity."

As someone watching from the sidelines this time, Miriam Shapira is full of admiration for the mental and emotional fortitude displayed by the families. She admires their belief and their prayers. Shapira herself is praying for them, along with everyone, helping whenever she is asked.

She is also quick to remind us, however, that "not everything is in our hands."

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