At the beginning of the week, Tel Aviv hosted a conference for veterans of a certain Israel Defense Forces intelligence unit, about topics that people aren't really supposed to talk about openly. At the door, attendants had to identify themselves so that outsiders would not be able to just come in and listen. The identification process was therefore extremely intricate.
It went like this: two guards were posted at the door. Each person who arrived was asked "did you serve in the unit-" Those who replied "yes" were granted entry.
That's it.
This goes to show that alongside impressive, unusual accomplishments, there are also areas that require improvement. A CIA agent who completed the training course with honors already learned this fact. He spoke perfect Russian with a perfect accent, knew all the streets of Moscow by heart, was familiar with every person who held any kind of significant office in the Russian administration, was well versed in the culture -- the works.
The agent was sent to Moscow, but on the flight there, shortly after the stewardess asked him if he would like a drink, and he responded, she said "there you go, CIA agent, sir."
When he landed in Moscow, the border patrol attendant greeted him, saying "Welcome, CIA agent." The same thing happened everywhere, in every shop and every cab.
The agent was confounded. Everyone had told him that his Russian was perfect, and yet he was immediately recognized as a CIA agent. Finally, he approached one of the taxi drivers in the city and asked: "What is going on? Is my Russian not good-"
"Your Russian is perfect," said the driver.
"Perhaps I don't know my way around the city well enough-" he inquired.
"It is as though you were born here," the driver replied.
The agent became angry. "So how in the hell does everyone know that I am not native born-"
The driver explained slowly: "You have perfect Russian and excellent knowledge of the geography. But a six foot six black man in Moscow-"
Meanwhile in the settlements
McDonald's is refusing to open restaurants in the settlements. So irritating. Once again, the settlers are getting more than everyone else. Only they are spared this terrible junk food.
Terror? Really-
Back to those intelligence issues that require improvement. It seems that it is time to add the so-called "price tag" attacks to the list of things that require urgent attention. The chief complaint is: why are the perpetrators of these attacks not being apprehended-
Above all, one thing has to be very clear: Every attack perpetrated under the heading of price tag is heinous, wrong and un-Jewish. There are no ifs ands or buts about it.
Once we all agree that this phenomenon is a terrible thing, the recent brilliant idea brought forth by the justice system to define these graffiti vandals as terrorists, is a seriously ridiculous and silly suggestion. Graffiti is not terror. But let's humor them for a moment. Let's say that graffiti is in fact tantamount to terror. Well, these days, the price tag vandals aren't the only menace plaguing us. We are also subjected to a high incidence of rock throwing attacks. People are getting hurt, and such incidents have even resulted in death. So if graffiti is terror, what is rock throwing? A world war-
But that is not all. Contrary to the claims that the authorities are unable to apprehend the price tag perpetrators, certain cases have been solved. In February, 2012 a suspect was arrested and confessed to spray painting a price tag slogan in Acre. In February, 2013, another price tag attack arson of vehicles south of Nablus was also solved. In March, 2012, two young men were apprehended on suspicion that they had spray painted the words "death to Arabs" in the Galilee. They confessed.
The common thread among all the above cases is that in all of them, including the "death to Arabs" incident, the suspects who were apprehended and subsequently confessed, were Arab themselves. So the issue became unimportant. Suddenly, it is no longer of any interest.
There have been other incidents like these. Is it always the same story? Certainly not. There are also Jewish scumbags. But the thing is that sometimes, maybe you can't find the penny you dropped because you are looking under the street lamp rather than where you dropped it.
This brings us to a similar incident from the glory days of Nicolae Ceaușescu, the endlessly admired ruler of Romania. One day, Ceaușescu dressed up as a common citizen and went out to roam the streets of the capital, Bucharest.
At one of the street corners, he saw a police officer leaning against an electric pole, and decided to test him.
"Excuse me," said Ceaușescu. "Are you a police officer-"
"No," the man replied. "I am a plainclothes detective."
"Then why are you wearing a uniform-" asked Ceaușescu.
"Because today is my day off," the detective answered.
Shaping your own Shabbat
My late father used to say that anyone who doesn't understand the value of Shabbat deserves to live life without it. The Supreme Court ruled this week that according to the law, stores are not allowed to open on Shabbat. Want to open on Shabbat? Change the law. The High Court of Justice adopts this approach often. And indeed, the Tel Aviv municipality announced that it would take steps to change the law. Fine. But how is it that not a single bleeding heart has come out complaining of an attempt to "circumvent a High Court ruling"-
Intro to logic
The haredim, including Shas, wanted Rabbi Yona Metzger as chief rabbi.
Now they don't want Rabbi David Stav as chief rabbi.
In light of recent allegations against Metzger, maybe this is an indication that Rabbi Stav is very right for the job.
Better to censor
Quite a few politicians of the haredi variety will be staring into space during the reading of the Torah this week. It won't be easy for them. In this week's portion, God decides that women (the daughters of Zelophehad) have rights in this land, and Moses chides the men who seek to avoid fighting in the war, saying "Shall your brethren go to the war, and shall ye sit here-"(Numbers 32:6).
Therefore, we should not be surprised that precisely during the week of this particular Torah portion, in the haredi city of Elad, it was decided to cut costs and do away with the traditional end of the year gift to the students a copy of the Bible. Yes, weak willed students are liable to get ideas from that book.
To clarify this point, here is an example of the kind of ideas it is best not to adopt from the Bible.
A businessman arrived one night in a city. Since his meetings were only scheduled for the next day, he went out looking for something to do. At his hotel room, as is customary, he found a copy of the Bible. He opened it. Two minutes later he picked up the phone and chatted with the operator a little. The conversation flowed, and the operator ended up coming to his room. One thing led to another, and pretty soon the two were in a position that is usually censored.
Afterward, the operator said "If someone had told me that I would finish today's shift in the bed of one of the guests I would not have believed it."
The businessman said "I actually knew this would happen."
"How did you know-" the operator asked.
He pointed to the copy of the Bible and said "I read it right here."
"Where, exactly-" the operator asked.
The businessman opened the book, and showed her the inside cover, where someone had scrawled in pen: "To all the guests: the operator likes to go to bed."
Just one question
The rapist from the Gan Ha'Ir parking lot was sentenced to 30 years in prison. Good. But why didn't anyone say anything nice about him? That unlike IDF soldiers, who, according to a recent survey, don't rape Palestinian women because they are "racist,' was not a racist and was willing to rape a Jewish woman-
טעינו? נתקן! אם מצאתם טעות בכתבה, נשמח שתשתפו אותנו