The Middle East survival guide

Many years ago, I had a biology teacher who came into class and announced: "Today we are going to dissect a frog." He opened his briefcase and pulled out a box. In the box was a cucumber. He looked at the cucumber and said, "That's strange. I was sure I ate that cucumber at lunch today."

I remembered this sad event this week when I read about the Hula Painted Frog, an amphibian that looks like a black frog. Up until two years ago, the Hula Painted Frog was considered extinct, and was known mainly from fossils discovered in Europe. Actually, in 1940, two living members of the species were discovered in Israel's Hula Valley, but then the swamps in the Hula Valley were drained, and the Hula Painted Frog was once again considered history.

But two years ago, the scientific world was astonished when, after a 60-year absence, the Hula Painted Frog reappeared in the Hula reserve. Giddy with excitement, scientists described the species as "the world's only living fossil."

The explanation was that conditions on the reserve -- high-quality water and safety from predators -- enabled a handful of frogs to survive and procreate. Another study that emerged this week suggests that the Hula Painted Frog is the only member of a larger class of frogs that were once very common in Europe but disappeared about a million years ago.

Well, since the Hula Painted Frog managed to survive in the Middle East of all places, and survival in the Middle East is something that concerns all of us, we would be well advised to learn a thing or two from the amphibian. Here are some preliminary conclusions:

• Whoever is exterminated in Europe survives in Israel.

• To survive in the Middle East, it is important to preserve your safety, and be vigilant about your water.

•Life in the north is better.

• Scientists believe that the reason the Hula Painted Frog disappeared was due to battles among males over scarce females. The conclusion is that to survive in the Middle East, internal battles must be avoided, and it is best if there are more females. In other words, don't put the females at the back of the bus.

• The most important conclusion is that the Hula Painted Frog is called an "agolshon" in Hebrew -- a combination of the words "agol" (round) and "lashon" (tongue). Because the frog has a round tongue, it is incapable of sticking it out. This means that to survive in the Middle East, it is best to stop kissing up.

Frogs disappearing from Europe take us back to the glory days of Romania, when Romania's pride and joy, Vlad Tepes, better known as Dracula, ruled Transylvania. One day, Dracula was wandering in the woods when he came across a frog.

"If you kiss me," the frog said, "I will turn into a beautiful princess."

Dracula listened to the frog, put it in his shirt pocket and continued to wander in the woods.

About an hour later, the frog poked its head out of Dracula's pocket and said, "Not only will I turn into a beautiful princess, but I will stay with you for a whole year and I will do whatever you ask."

Dracula shoved the frog deeper into his pocket and continued to wander in the woods.

An hour later, the frog again reared its head and asked, "Say, what is your problem-"

Dracula replied: "What do I need a princess for? All I have to do is say the word and they bring me any girl I desire. But a talking frog? No one has one of those."

Human rights

This week, it was argued before the High Court of Justice on behalf of Sudanese and Eritrean migrants seeking to continue to embitter the lives of south Tel Aviv residents that they are in fact refugees. Well, there are no refugees who arrived in Israel from Sudan or Eritrea because neither Sudan nor Eritrea shares a border with Israel. They came from Egypt, and they were certainly not persecuted by the Egyptian regime. You can put away your persecution stories now.

Drink to forget

Starting on July 1, we will all be paying more for alcohol. A lot more, in fact, because we will be drinking more to forget how much money we spent on alcohol.

What people thought once upon a time

The weekly Torah portion last week dealt with, among other things, the story of the sin of the spies (12 spies, one from each tribe, who were sent into Canaan ahead of the Israelites to see if the land was good. They said it was, but that it would be impossible to conquer). And here's my question: What was the spies' sin? There is almost no disagreement among commentators, who all contend that they were righteous men. So how did they sin-

Some commentators look at the story from a political perspective. The spies were leaders who feared that once the Israelites entered Canaan, they would lose their status: Here we are leaders, and there, in the Land of Israel, we won't be leaders anymore.

But this interpretation raises even more tough questions: Would righteous men be motivated by such considerations-

Rabbi Yehudah Aryeh Leib Alter, the second rabbi in the Gur Hasidic dynasty, had an answer. He built on the political interpretation, saying that when the spies said, "We won't be leaders," it wasn't just themselves to whom they were referring, but to the whole of the people. In saying, "Here we are leaders," they weren't referring to their own political status, but to the Israelites' lofty spiritual status in the desert, where everyone was living in a kind of yeshiva: No one had to work for a living, there was no legal system and no army. All they had to do was study Torah. The spies' mission demonstrated how entering Israel would change all that: Once they had a country, the Israelites would have to maintain an economy, a legal system and an army. The spiritual desert life would be over, and the mundane necessities of livelihoods and security would come in.

But the leaders of the tribes wanted to remain leaders. They liked the yeshiva life, the spiritual life. And that, the rebbe of the Gur Hassidim concluded, was the spies' sin.

Does this remind you of anyone we know-

In the same vein, since the haredi (ultra-Orthodox) media don't let a day go by without comparing efforts to legislate a mandatory draft for haredim with decrees of the czar, let us revisit those days, as described by Yiddish humorist Alter Druyanov, may his memory be a blessing:

A young man came of age and it was time for him to enlist to the army, so he pretended to be insane. The doctors examining him said, "If there is any doubt about his sanity, let him go to hell. We'll find someone sane to take his place." And they exempted him from service.

The town rabbi went to the man and said, "My son is also of army age. Teach him how to pretend to be mad, and I'll pay you five rubles. The man agreed, and taught the rabbi's son how to pretend to be insane. But the plan did not work, and the rabbi's son was drafted.

The rabbi went to the man and scolded him: "You cheated me!"

The man replied, "God forbid, that I should cheat you. What did you think? You have to be a little crazy for real to make yourself act crazy."

טעינו? נתקן! אם מצאתם טעות בכתבה, נשמח שתשתפו אותנו