The dearly departed

When a famous person dies, something happens in Israel that happens nowhere else in the world, and it bears thinking about. After Arik Einstein died, it turned out that half the country knew him. Then, after Sefi Rivlin died, it turned out that the other half had spoken to him personally during his final days. And this week, we found out that everybody was Nelson Mandela’s best friend.

Since it is inconceivable that any of this could be untrue, it seems that this is a unique characteristic that warrants serious study: All of us are the best friends of the departed.

It seems fairly odd, actually. But a preliminary look into it leads us to conclude that this is a cultural heritage that passes from generation to generation among the Jewish people. Here is the evidence:

When the rabbi of the Piatra Neamt yeshiva threatened to expel Moishe Berman, Moishe said: "Rabbi, you had better not throw me out. I am friends with the greatest people on earth."

The rabbi said: "Bring me proof that you are telling the truth."

Moishe Berman responded: "Come to the telegraph office and I will show you."

Berman and the rabbi went to the telegraph office. Berman sent a telegram to Baron Rothschild asking after his welfare. A reply telegram arrived immediately: "My dear friend Moishe Berman, how are you-"

The rabbi said: "Maybe that is only a coincidence."

Berman sent another telegram, this time to the Kaiser. Immediately a reply came back: "Moishe Berman, my heart’s beloved, I long to see you."

The rabbi said: "I still do not believe you."

Moishe Berman asked him: "What sort of proof do you want-"

The rabbi said: "Let me see the pope embracing you."

Berman and the rabbi traveled to Rome and entered the gates of the Vatican. The crowd stood in the plaza outside, waiting for the pope to emerge onto the balcony. Berman said to the rabbi: "Wait here," and left. A few minutes later, the pope came out onto the balcony with his arm around Moishe Berman. Moishe looked at the rabbi from the balcony and saw that he had fallen to the ground.

Berman came down from the balcony, ran to the rabbi and lifted him, asking, "Rabbi, what happened-"

The rabbi said, "I could deal with you hugging the pope. But when the people around me started asking who that was hugging Moishe Berman from the yeshiva in Romania, that was too much."

A few comments about Gary Yourofsky

My dog eats meat every day. Fortunately, Gary Yourofsky has not discovered that yet.

Yourofsky says that anyone who eats meat should be raped. Does he intend to set an example-

Does that mean he intends to rape my dog, too-

If what they say of people from a certain East Asian country is true -- that they eat everything -- does that include Gary Yourofsky-

And if a person from that country eats a cat that ate a mouse, would Yourofsky let him off on the principle that one who steals from a thief is exempt from punishment-

If the animals do not want to be eaten, why do they not set an example-

Does Yourofsky believe one may eat a cow that had a stroke and entered a vegetative state-

Should carnivorous plants be raped as well-

Yourofsky says that we should not eat animals because we are like them. Does that mean Yourofsky is an animal-

(Oops -- I forgot to add: I am a vegetarian.)

Who is to blame-

The only ones who got angry that Netanyahu and Peres did not attend the memorial ceremony in South Africa were a few Israeli journalists. We may think that the whole galaxy revolves around us, but the Africans showed no anger. This makes one wonder who is to blame. In other words, who forgot to convince them to get angry with us-

The fortune-tellers

The Council for Peace and Security is a non-governmental organization made up of has-beens from Israel’s left wing. When the talks with the Palestinians were in full force and Israel demanded control over the Jordan Valley, officials of this NGO stated that there was no security-related need for that.

To see just how expert these experts are, let us take a look at the recommendations they made. In 2005, they promised that the “disengagement from Gaza would bring security,” as well as “legitimacy to the work of the security forces… and would provide a chance for an agreement.” Several years before, they promised that a withdrawal from southern Lebanon would bring “calm to the north.” Before that, they promised that the Oslo Accords would bring a “stable peace.”

When the Arab Spring began, these “experts” said it was an “opportunity for peace” and called for the start of talks to hand the Golan Heights over to Assad. Today, operatives of global jihad and al-Qaida are right across the border.

The Council for Peace and Security has a parallel group in Romania. It is called the Association of Enchanters and Fortune-Tellers. Since the Romanian fortune-tellers’ predictions have a much higher accuracy rate than our “experts,” we should learn from them. Here is the first lesson.

When the Romanian dictator Nicolae Ceausescu was a boy, he went to a Roma fortune-teller. She looked at the cards and said, “Tomorrow you will fall ill with measles. The next day, thieves will rob your mother of her jewelry, and the day after that, your father will break his leg.”

The next day, Ceausescu woke up feeling ill. His mother took him to a doctor who diagnosed him with measles.

A day later, his mother came home and said that while she was in the market, she had been robbed of all her jewelry.

Terrified, Ceausescu decided to tell his father what the fortune-teller had said, hoping that his father would be careful and prevent the prophecy from coming true. His father was careful with every step. But at dinnertime the next day, a beggar in rags knocked on the door and asked for something to eat. Moved with compassion, his father told the beggar to come in and sit at the table. The beggar stepped inside, slipped on the floor and broke his leg.

Moments of happiness

Roger Waters said this week that the similarities between Israel and Nazi Germany were “crushingly obvious.” How interesting: He did not look all that crushed by the comparison. On the contrary: He looked like he enjoyed it.

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