War can be good

Let me get something straight: What is wrong with the current wave of assassinations among crime families? Why should the police try to step in and stop it? What's so bad about this war-

On the contrary. The police should actually give all sides more guns and help the henchmen. To borrow a phrase used by the evil Haman: "To destroy, to slay, and to cause to perish" (Esther 3:13). All this on condition, of course, that they kill only each other, without, heaven forbid, harming innocent civilians. If they abide by this one condition, the police should not get in their way. Because, with all due respect to the Israel Police, the organized crime families are doing what the police have so far failed to do -- get rid of organized crime.

This week, on a TV current affairs program, the phrase "police helplessness" was repeated over and over again. What is wrong with a little helplessness? Someone remarked that the police should investigate how the criminals were getting their hands on military-grade explosives. Why investigate? It is a lot like the civil war in Syria: Let them kill each other, and the more they kill the better.

Another term that has starred in the recent rash of news reports on crime family assassinations is the use of the word "soldier" to describe the combatants/victims. Unlike any war with the Arabs, where many victims are officers, in organized crime wars, only soldiers are killed. It makes you think: It turns out that with fewer officers you can get more operational work done.

And if one of the crime families' "soldiers" is apprehended, he inevitably arrives at the court house wearing an extra-large kippah on his head. In court, like elsewhere, religion is taking over the army. Pretty soon the organized crime families will have to go without women's singing or female sports instructors in tank tops.

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The mother of one of the organized crime suspects accompanied her son to his remand hearing and told reporters that the allegations against her son were false. After all, she said, she is the one who knows him best and she knows that he doesn't do things like that.

Which reminds me of a Polish woman who once called the veterinarian and said: "My cat, Mitzi, is pregnant again. I don't understand; she has never been out of the house and she has never come in contact with a male cat."

The doctor asked the woman to bring the cat to the clinic, but the woman explained that she didn't feel well. "Well, then," said the veterinarian. "I will come to you. I find this case extremely intriguing."

This Dr. Doolittle arrived at the woman's home and saw the cat, which indeed appeared to be heavily pregnant. "Are you sure that this cat has never left the house-" the veterinarian asked.

"Yes," the woman replied.

As she was speaking, a fat male cat crawled out from under the sofa, licked its lips and stared at the veterinarian.

"Well, there you go. There's the culprit," he said.

Shocked, the Polish woman said: "Doctor! That's her brother!"

Learning a lesson

If the men's and women's sections at the Western Wall had not been divided, perhaps Avigdor Lieberman's observant daughter could have accompanied her father on Wednesday morning, following the reading of the verdict in his corruption trial, and opened his prayer book for him. Since there is a divider that separates men and women, she was unable to accompany him, and the former minister was snapped by photographers standing at the holy site, across from the stones of the wall, holding a prayer book opened to -- oh, the embarrassment -- the Sabbath morning prayer. Maybe there is something to be said for the arguments made by the Women of the Wall after all.

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At the beginning of the week, the head of the Bnei Akiva yeshivot tried to drag the girls' religious high school to the Western Wall plaza to disrupt the monthly prayer held by the Women of the Wall. But the girls didn't show. It turns out that they don't just take orders.

One of the Bnei Akiva myths is called the "holy mutiny." It is named after the youngsters who defied the rulings of most rabbis against making aliya, and moved here. The Zionist movement was a form of rebellion when the Jews were in exile. But among members of Bnei Akiva, it was termed "holy" because it was done for religious reasons.

Two days later, Chief Ashkenazi Rabbi David Lau announced at a conference hosted by Aluma, a non-profit organization that helps religious girls who enlist in the military, among other things, that "religious girls know that the prohibition against serving in the army isn't real." The rabbi is accurately reading the map. Lately, religious girls are enlisting in greater and greater numbers. If anyone thinks that the increasing presence of male observant soldiers in the military will change the face of the Israel Defense Forces, they are mistaken. The big change will be due to the presence of observant women.

To demonstrate just how significant this change will be, we can all recall the story of the Golani infantry brigade commander who, one day, went to visit a boot camp base. The commander grabbed one of the young cadets and asked: "Yaakov, let's say you suddenly see 50 Syrian commando fighters in front you. What do you do-"

The Golani cadet replied: "With one hand I throw grenades and with the other hand I spray them with my machine gun and finish them all off."

The commander decided to give him a hard time and said: "Yaakov, and what if you find a hundred Syrian soldiers and a tank unit in front of you-"

The cadet replied: "Easy. With one hand I take out the tanks with an RPG. With the other hand I spray them with my machine gun and hurl grenades at them with my teeth."

The commander did not let up. "Yaakov. You are alone at your post. In front of you are 200 Syrian soldiers and 50 tanks, and two MiG fighter jets are dipping toward you."

The cadet got upset. "All the time Yaakov, Yaakov. In all the army, am I the only one available to fight-"

Not so cool now

A politician in Canada confessed to smoking crack this week. Suddenly all the Israeli MKs who wanted to look cool and recently admitted to having smoked marijuana seem like such wimps.

Excuse moi-

The French want Israel to extradite a group of Jews who immigrated to Israel and are now suspected of laundering money. Oh, yeah? Well, France, first extradite to Israel the French nationals who ran over and killed Lee Zeitouni.

Perfect hearing

The American antennas used to eavesdrop on us are upsetting? What does everyone want from U.S. President Barack Obama? Finally, we have him listening to us.

טעינו? נתקן! אם מצאתם טעות בכתבה, נשמח שתשתפו אותנו