At some point, the defeated candidate for the post of Jerusalem mayor Moshe Lion might ask himself why the residents of Jerusalem did not want him. In Tel Aviv, defeated candidate Nitzan Horowitz might ask himself a similar question: Why did the residents of Tel Aviv prefer Ron Huldai? It is not certain, but there is also a possibility that Shas Chairman Aryeh Deri and Yisrael Beytenu Chairman Avigdor Lieberman will ask themselves why the residents of Jerusalem didn't stand in line to receive the gift that these two had sent them.
All these, and more disappointed candidates, should read the book "Ohel Ya'aqob" by Jacob Kranz, also known by the nickname the Dubner Maggid. He lived in the 18th century and was in close contact with the Rabbi Elijah ben Shlomo Zalman Kremer, the well-known Vilna Gaon. His book includes fables and musings on the weekly Torah portions.
In his comments on Leviticus, the maggid (itinerant preacher) recounts one of his meetings with the Vilna Gaon. He was exhausted, tired and hungry from the road, when in came the gaon, who immediately asked: "Can you tell me a nice fable-"
The maggid replied thus: "This is a fable about a poor man who bought a goat and brought it home. His wife began milking the goat, but nothing came out of its teats. She mocked her husband and said: This beast looks like a goat, but it is not a goat. It has no milk.
The man said to his wife: This beast is a real goat, and it does have milk. But it just came from a long journey and it is tired and hungry and thirsty. First feed it, give it water, let it rest for one night, and then you will see that its teats fill up with milk."
On hold I
In north Tel Aviv, and at the Haaretz news desk, they are still waiting for the Berliners' votes.
The experts failed us
The political commentators fell over themselves in describing the clever maneuver attempted by two wheeler-dealers -- the biggest experts on political cheating -- who thought up the most brilliant plan that could ever have been hatched: to join Israel's Russian immigrants together with the haredim. The courts of the biggest ultra-Orthodox rabbis together with the same public that Shas described as fax machine converts in their national election campaign ads. The two leaders of the most ethnically defined parties, Deri and Lieberman, could not believe that the Israeli people are no longer willing to buy their moldy wares.
A flyer disseminated among the haredi public, calling for the haredim to vote for Moshe Lion, warned that his opponent, incumbent Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat, was preparing "ghettos for haredim" if re-elected, and shops that "sell the other thing" (pork) would open under their homes. Meanwhile, a different flyer was distributed to the Russian immigrant public warning that Barkat would crack down on shops that sell unkosher food.
Deri and Lieberman believed this would work. The commentators opened their eyes wide with admiration. Deri didn't even wait until the end of the "shiva" (the seven-day mourning period) after Rabbi Ovadia Yosef's death to go out and announce that this was Yosef's last will and testament. The posters promised that the deceased rabbi would peek into the voting booths to check how everyone was voting. No shame. No limit to the stupidity.
The commentators continued to be impressed. They especially liked Deri's idea that joining forces with Lieberman would provide him with the opportunity to topple the coalition, from which he was excluded.
But then Yosef arrived in heaven, and there, free of the terror of the Shas wheelers and dealers, he gave Deri and his schemes the finger. It seems that once he got up there he felt that he was no longer bound to Deri, and he decided to leave the Shas chairman, as they say, with his pants down.
As we can learn from a well-documented incident in the history books of the kingdom of Transylvania: One day, Michael Glabmensko, the man in charge of Dracula's carriage, went out to swim in the river. After an hour he returned, naked as the day he was born.
His wife looked at him, enraged, and asked: "Where are your clothes-"
Michael replied: "Another man came to the river and accidentally put on my clothes instead of his own."
The woman was baffled. "Well, then, where are his clothes-"
Michael explained that "he was so confused that he forgot to leave his clothes."
On hold II
In Bnei Brak and Elad they are still waiting for the soldiers' votes. Just kidding.
The "there is a line" movement
Despite the low voter turnout, Jerusalemites gave us hope this week that perhaps the age of political cheating is over. The voters, who did not listen to the political commentators, sent the two "magicians" home. The magicians are Deri, a convicted criminal, who got former Shas Chairman Eli Yishai thrown aside in exchange for a promise that he could bring Shas 17 Knesset seats (which he didn't), and Lieberman, who promised that a union between Yisrael Beytenu and Likud would bring the party 45 Knesset seats (which it didn't).
Obviously this won't stop these two from presenting a plan for restructuring the entire political mechanism in about a month. Again the commentators will be impressed with their brilliance, and again they will talk endlessly about these two political geniuses who have us all wrapped around their finger. Again they will crash and burn. Folks, history repeats itself.
At this point it would be appropriate, as a service to the pair Deri and Lieberman, who tried to conquer Jerusalem while ignoring the will of the Zionist majority in Israel, to tell the following tale: A man was wandering in the desert for several days, lost. He climbed the dunes and descended, without any shelter from the sun and without any water.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, he saw an elaborate stand with a Jew selling silk ties behind it.
The man approached the stand and begged: "Water. Water."
The Jew, who spoke with an eastern European accent, said: "I don't have water, but maybe you'd like to buy a tie-"
"Stinking Jew," the man cursed. "Why would I need a tie out here? I want water."
The Jew tried to convince him to buy a tie anyway. In response, he was accosted with even more offensive curses.
The Jew then said: "Even though you cursed me, I will tell you where you can find water. Do you see that sand dune over there-" he pointed toward the horizon. "Go in that direction about 20 kilometers and there you will find a restaurant that serves cold water."
The man sounded a few more choice curses and went on his way.
Two days later, the man returned to the Jew and his stand, nearly dying, and barely managed to say: "Your brother, the owner of the restaurant, only serves people who are wearing a tie."
On hold III
In Bat Yam, they are still waiting for the judges' votes.
And the world is silent
This week on Army Radio, talk show host Razi Barkai came out against the fact that too much weight is given to the people's choice. He lamented "this status that is granted to the public." And indeed, the idea that every sweaty, unshaven Middle Eastern person carrying a book of Psalms has an equal vote to a radio personality with a tortured expression, is simply unbearable.
Is democracy, according to Army Radio, a threat to democracy-
On hold IV
In Safed and Yavniel they are still waiting for the votes.
טעינו? נתקן! אם מצאתם טעות בכתבה, נשמח שתשתפו אותנו