Eight short lines, in delicate handwriting on a small piece of paper, offer a tiny glimpse into the world of Esti Weinstein, whose story rattled Israel last year. Weinstein, 50, formerly an ultra-Orthodox woman, had gone missing last June and was found dead in her car, parked at Hakshatot Beach in the southern city of Ashdod, a week later. The note was found in the car, next to her. Addressing the letter to her ex-husband, Weinstein wrote, "I'm sorry, Shlomo -- I can't go on living this lie. ... I love the children with all my heart! ... I don't want to cause any trouble with things like money or foreclosures, etc. ... I took the cash to start over." She ended the note with a self-fulfilling prophecy: "If you bother me too much, you'll be invited to the funeral." Weinstein's tragic story touched everyone. Leaving the Gur Hasidic sect and becoming secular had cost her everything, most prominently her relationship with her seven daughters. Shortly before her suicide she completed a short autobiography, "Do As He Wills," describing the rigors of living in the Hasidic sect and the pain she felt when her daughters severed their ties with her over her choice to leave the sect. The book also included sexual descriptions that had upset her family. Weinstein's story was seen by many Israelis as the personal tragedy of a woman shunned and harassed by her family. A month after her suicide Israel Hayom published an interview with the family, shedding additional light on the case, affording a place for the tragedy they experienced as a result of her walking out on them, and allowing her daughters to express their anger. At the time, the public was divided between those who perceived Weinstein's family as the culprits in her suicide, and those who believed the fact she abandoned her daughters was inconceivable. This week, Israel Hayom was able to obtain documents from the family's Social Services case file, as well as the records of the rabbinical court proceedings held prior to the couple's divorce. The documents paint a bleak picture depicting the horrible dilemma experienced by Weinstein, a woman who on the one hand desperately wanted to leave ultra-Orthodox life, while on the other hand could not bear the thought that the move would lead to her losing her daughters and her family. 'The family's anchor' "Esther says she grew up in an extremely Hassidic ultra-Orthodox home. She was matched up at the age of 17 and a half and was married nine months later. As a 'good girl,' she conformed to her surroundings, had children, and was a good wife, mother and homemaker. Nevertheless, she always looked for her own 'niches' and ways to enrich her world. She learned English, instructed parents, had a job, etc. Shlomo knew what she was going through and wanted what was best for her," notes by a social worker with the Jerusalem Municipality neatly sum up her conversation with Weinstein. The social worker wrote that Weinstein raised her daughters in accordance with the Gur principles, "which she says [she] meticulously observed. She was always there for her daughters, instilling them with self-confidence and love, praising their talents, and being with them at any given moment. She understands the full intensity of the crisis, as she has always been the family's anchor. "Esther found herself in a difficult dilemma over the years: She had to give up on herself to continue playing the role her community expected her to play, or to give up her family and leave the religious life. Esther found no suitable solution for her dilemma and chose to try to commit suicide, which she thought would be the least painful solution, as the damage to the family would be minimal. Today she thinks that was a moment of madness," the notes read. Weinstein's complex dilemma is well reflected in the social worker's case assessments. "After the attempted suicide, it was clear to her that she had to break free [of the Gur sect] as there was no middle ground. She moved to Ramat Gan, but missed her daughters so much that 10 days later she decided to return home. It was clear to her then as it is now that the girls were happy in their life and could not be uprooted from their home and their community. For seven months she felt estranged, physically there, but mentally hoping she and her daughters were somewhere else. "Seven months later she left again, and the girls could not explain to themselves what had happened to their mother. In the past, secular people were pariahs -- their mother taught them as much, which is why they treat her as such. They are angry, hurt and reject her, but in their hearts, they need her. ... Esther is certain that should visits take place in a neutral place the girls would come around." Notes from the social worker's meetings with Weinstein's ex-husband shed light on the family's distress following the mother's decision to leave their daughters. "Shlomo describes a solid family life and says their family was a role model within the Gur Hassidic community. Nevertheless, over the years he noticed Esther's dilemma about their way of life. She loved a more open lifestyle, and he allowed it as much as he could. "Shlomo speaks of Esther with appreciation and says she is very smart and has many talents, but also says she is unstable in her behavior. He says the girls don't understand the change that had taken place in her. They live their lives according to the strict norms of Gur. They are afraid to maintain any contact with her, and they are very angry. As far as they are concerned, they experienced two traumatic events on both occasions when the mother abandoned their home. "The first time, Esther attempted suicide and was subsequently hospitalized. Shlomo supported her during her hospitalization and wanted her to recover and return home, but she decided to leave home and change her lifestyle and did not contact the girls for weeks," the notes continued. "Shlomo forgave her, seeking to give his daughters back the sense of familial security and routine. Shlomo, the girls, the extended family and the entire community came together to help Esther and welcomed her back 'with open arms,' but after a few months she disappeared again. The girls don't know why and they are very angry. For five months she did not contact them. Shlomo, for his part, is confused and does not know what the right thing is to do for his daughters. He expresses concern over the possibility of visitation." According to the social worker, "Currently, sporadic visits take place in the family home. According to Shlomo, he clashes with the girls over the issue as they do not wish to see their mother. They have lost their faith in her and feel rejected by her. "As noted before, they had no contact with her for five months and they could not locate her. This period of time was very difficult for the girls, but they slowly resumed their routine. When Esther again decided to contact them, their world was once again turned upside down. The girls are again forced to deal with the reactions of their surroundings, the future implications on their chances for a good shidduch [match], their studies and more."
